Wednesday, December 06, 2006

THIS Is Undoubtedly My Worst Nightmare

I realized it this morning. The loss of a child. No, I don't mean the death of a child - although that would be incredibly horrible. I mean losing a child, having them kidnapped, abducted, or missing in some way.

In my dream I was at an unknown mall with my family. We all went into a clothing store of some sort that had a long hallway on each side of a walled-in middle section. Amanda went down one side with Emily, while I walked down another. Lucas was walking around just behind me. I wasn't watching him directly, more out of the corner of my eye. A store employee then started guiding several boys that were the same size and appearance as Lucas to follow the direction that I was going. Of course, I assumed that Lucas was one of them. After only a few steps (maybe halfway) down this hallway, I looked back to try to figure out which one of them was my son. I soon realized to my horror that none of them were. I traced back through the store and outside the entrance, calling and looking for him while I walked, but there was no sign of him.

Something inside me knew he was gone. Lucas is extra cute, sweet and innocent. If some wacko wanted a little boy to steal, he would no doubt want my son. With each step away from the entrance of the store, my anguish grew exponentially.

Now, I'm pretty stable emotionally. I don't consider this example a good thing, but I didn't even cry at my dad's funeral, although I did come close quite a few times. I've been through my share of challenges in life and generally I don't rattle too easily. But at that moment, now knowing where my son was or what could possibly be happening to him. Thinking of him being away from his family and really scared. Pondering the possibility that I have no idea whether I will find him and when or if I will see him again. I freakin' lost it, right there in the middle of the mall. I was basically a useless driveling fool that may never fully function in society again, at least until I can reestablish contact with my little kiddo.

And then I woke up. As I stated in a previous post, I've been trying to be more deliberate about my schedule lately, which includes getting up at 6am to spend time with God before getting ready for work. Well, I went to bed last night later than I wanted to, so I didn't set my alarm to get up early. When I woke up from the dream though I looked at the clock - 5:57am. So was that God's wake up call to me, albeit a harsh one? I would be surprised if it was my circadian rhythm, since I have only actually woken up at 6am for a few staggered days since starting this schedule.

I took it at face value, got up from bed, went downstairs to spend time with God, and included praying for everyone who has lost a child and for the children that have been abducted. Also, for right or wrong, I prayed for the death of those that would do such a horrific thing as to steal a child, or at least for whatever justice God would be willing to dish out to them.

2 comments:

I Eat Dentists said...

I haven't spent much time thinking about this one yet. I would rather not dwell on it, but it is good to be on your toes about the subject to avoid it ever happening. Being a new dad of 8 months, this really is so very scarey. I can't imagine my little boy (who is actually the cutest little boy ever born ;) ) being taken from me. Can you say utter despair?

Jen R/ Travis R said...

wow! pretty interesting how God uses things (even cruel things) to get us thinking in the direction He wants us to think and pray for what He lays on our hearts. i am happy that it was just a dream (nightmare) and that you accomplished one more day of your schedule.

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