Friday, February 06, 2009

Valentines Day Introspection

Last night Amanda and I watched last week's episode of The Office (it aired after the Superbowl, but we just watched it online).

In it, Jim described his feelings about Pam to her dad, followed by her relaying them back (if you haven't seen it then hopefully that makes sense).

"He said that you told him how much you love me.
About how you feel when I walk into a room. That you've never doubted for a second that I'm the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with."

After I rolled my eyes at Jim's perfect ladies' man persona, it really made me think honestly about my feelings for Amanda. Do I feel that way? To be sure, the fact that I even have to ask myself that question really sucks.

Then I realized - wait a second, Jim and Pam are dating. I thought back to when Amanda and I were dating. For most of it, we were at different colleges that were four hours apart. So it was a semi-long distance relationship.

What I remember is that I couldn't wait to be with Amanda - it didn't matter what we were going to do, as long as we were together. We wrote tons of letters and sent each other little things in the mail to demonstrate our love for each other. I thought about her all of the time and looked forward with great longing to the times when we could be together. We talked for hours and hours on the phone and when we were together in person we still talked endlessly then too. Almost every minute together was joyous, and every goodbye was painful.

But what about now? Has it changed and if so then what would cause it? The answer is - life! We are so darned busy and have so many responsibilities. We're taking care of our jobs, our house, our cars, and more importantly (and more time consuming) - our kids. I still love her like crazy, but I just don't get the opportunity or the luxury to focus on her or even myself that much anymore. It's sad and it sucks, but that's just the way life is right now.

Thankfully though, there are still moments of conscious appreciation here and there. Going on the occasional date together reminds me of how much fun we have and how natural and carefree we feel around each other. Seeing her walking toward us from a store when I'm waiting for her in the car with the kids. Watching her talking to someone else from a distance at a party or a social gathering. Observing what a great mom she is, especially when she's acting silly/crazy/goofy with our children.

So it's not that I don't feel like Jim's character describes his romantic inclinations. It's just that I don't get to think about those feelings much anymore. I'm just not able to fully focus on her (or anyone else for that matter) these days, in this stage of life.

Now that I am taking the time to think about it though, I realize that Amanda is still my favorite person in the world to spend time with, she still captures my heart, and she's still the only valentine I've ever had. And I'm greatly looking forward to spending next Saturday (v-day 2009) with her on a date, without the kids and hopefully without life's distractions too, at least for a little while.

Oh yeah, and Jim can bite me, I'll bet I was way smoother than him when we were dating anyway - just ask Amanda. On second thought, maybe don't.

1 comment:

Kelli said...

very sweet...!

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