Grandma L. is Gone

I got a call last Sunday (3/3/13) from my family in Florida saying that my dad's mom had been transferred to a hospice and was not expected to last very long.  Then on Tuesday I received messages that her health was declining rapidly.  So I made arrangements to take the earliest flight I could to go back home, to Orlando.

The trip to get there had several challenges and setbacks though.  After missing my first flight (I-71 and I-75 traffic was stop and go), then missing the connecting flight after I was rerouted (the plane was stuck on the CVG tarmac due to weather conditions), I finally made it to Sarasota on Wednesday morning.  I was then able to borrow my sister-in-law's car to get to the hospice in Orlando.

The next 5-6 days were a weird and emotional roller coaster of an experience.  Aside from spending time with my family (siblings, cousin, aunt and uncle), and wonderful one-on-one time with my mom (who I stayed with), I mostly just sat next to a hospice bed that held a shell of the woman who was my grandmother.

Grandma Nettie (short for Antoinette) was always spunky and lively.  The above picture was taken in November 2011, when my family was in Florida for Thanksgiving.  Whenever we visited her, she would delight in serving food and bustling about between the kitchen and dining room.  She wasn't much of a listener, but she had fascinating stories about herself and of our family's history.

Now she couldn't speak at all though.  She did periodically make groaning noises, but I had no idea if she was trying to talk, if she was expressing a high level of pain, or if it was all just involuntary.  She opened her eyes once or twice, primarily after the attendants (I guess they were nurses?) turned her over to make her comfortable.  But her eyes were completely glossed over, like her conscience was enveloped in a thick grey fog.

Several people told me that she (and others in her state) can still hear and process everything around her.  I don't disbelieve them, but I couldn't observe anything to indicate that this was true.  I'm not someone who is often at a loss for words, but I had a difficult time figuring out what to say to someone in her state, especially when there's no response or indication of her hearing me.  There's no encouragement to give her about getting better, and the normal topics of everyday life (weather, food, politics, etc) seem completely pointless.  I finally determined that the only topics that really mattered is (a) telling her I love her, (b) thanking her for who she was to me and my family, (c) thanking her for how she influenced my life (directly and indirectly), (d) talking about the life that I think is to come for her, including a request to give my dad a big hug for me, and (e) Jesus.  Through the duration of my time there I talked to her numerous times, including reading her the Bible for a bit.

She finally passed away on Saturday afternoon (3/9).  Although several other family members were there at the hospice (my mom, my aunt, myself), somehow at that moment my brother Steven was the only person in the room with her.  Her memorial is scheduled for this Tuesday (due to scheduling complications at the church she requested), but at this point I don't think I can afford either the travel costs or the additional time off of work.

She will be missed by us all though.

Is Development of Determination Detrimental?

Amanda and I watched Zero Dark Thirty a couple weeks ago (2/15), which was a great movie.  I was struck by one particular characteristic of both the main character and the NAVY SEALs.  All of these people have the type of personalities that completely refuse to quit, who are ruthless in their pursuit of a goal, who absolutely do not allow anything short of death to discourage them or dissuade them from conquering their foes or accomplishing their mission.

I've had moments in my life where I felt some small semblance of this, but the tenacity and ruthless persistence that it takes to be a SEAL is a whole nutha level (or 3).  I can't help but wonder though if people are just born with that quality and/or if it's a result of experiences they encountered in their lives.

Recently, I was watching the preview video for UFC157, which featured Ronda Rousey vs. Liz Carmouche as the main event.  Ronda told a story about breaking her toe in Judo class when she was young.  She walked over to her mom crying about it, but her mom (who was a Judo Olympian) didn't want to hear it, saying "You still have nine more.  Come to me when you break nine and only have one left."  Then she made her run laps around the gym with her broken toe.

I don't know if Ronda would have naturally been a good fighter on her own, but there is no doubt that her mom had a significant impact on her mental and physical development as a fighter.  And while her parenting style may be a bit extreme, it left me to ponder further not only whether determination and perseverance are innate or inspired, but also what effect I could have in the development of my kids' character.

I want to figure out what the best way to pursue this is though - to be a dad who is loving and encouraging, while also doing what I think should be a better job of instilling strength, toughness, courage, and determination in my children.

Valentine's Day 2013

While not perfect, this was a pretty successful Valentine's Day.  

I can't help but tilt my head sideways a bit when reading my own words though.  Why "successful", instead of "romantic" or something like that?  To me, the idea of this holiday is to do my best to make Amanda happy - to be romantic and "woo" her.  Ideally, every day would be like that (or perhaps once a month)?  But heck, with life and kids, and work, and stress, and busy-ness, I'll use Valentine's day as motivation to make it at least one day a year.  So this year:

We solidified babysitters for a dinner date to a Thai restaurant called The Banana Leaf (although Amanda picked the restaurant and made the reservation).  

Then I surprised her by putting a dozen red heart balloons (seen in the picture below) in her minivan the night before.  So they were there when she went to take Clara to pre-school.

Next, I bought a dozen red roses to bring home after work (also seen in the picture).

I also bought her an anklet, which I gave to her at dinner.

And finally, I wrote her a poem (below).  The only problem was that I didn't have time to purchase a card to write the poem in.  So I had to improvise and let her read it on my smart phone.

To have this time together now

Is really quite divine

A rare night out with you my love

My only Valentine

To gaze into your moonlit eyes

Upon a midnight clear

Is on the list of things that I

Hold wonderful and dear

Across a table candelit

A rare treat to behold

Touching feet discreetly now

Aware of what's foretold

Finally we are all alone

Away from normalcy

Drag each other further down

Beneath the blanket sea

Then up above sensory heights

Until we reach the shore

Hold you in my arms so tight

Beyond forever more.

Then back to life we go again

Pursuing happiness

Running hand in hand through this

Suburban wilderness

I love you wife.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Unsolicited Marriage Advice

I originally started compiling these ideas/suggestions for my brother, who is newly married.  I was going to include some or all of them in the "best man toast/speech" at his wedding, but it was just too long and probably too preachy.  But what are big brothers for, if not to give unsolicited advice?  So for Steve or whoever else cares, here are my observations and suggestions from my 12 years (so far) of marriage experience.

The first year of marriage in all likelihood will have more challenges than you anticipated. In fact, it very well may suck. With any big change in your life, there's a recalibrating process to go through. An adjustment to the changes of what is now considered “normal”.  Amanda and I dated for 5 ½ years before we tied the knot. I was plenty mature at 29 years old too.  We were (and still are), more compatible than most other couples I know.  We grew up only about a mile away from each other, had similar senses of humor, moral values, on and on.  Needless to say, we get along great!  But even with all of these factors being in our favor, that first year of marriage was really difficult!  Many other couples I've talked to (although not all) have echoed this same experience too.

When you encounter disputes, be the first to step up and reconcile. Even though it stings your pride (sometimes a lot), think of it like a game, and the first one to apologize and/or humbly start communicating wins. Because really you do.

Give each other grace. Remember that nobody is perfect except for Jesus, and your spouse isn't Him.

When there are ongoing issues or deficiencies that I think exist in the relationship with my spouse, I have found that the problems I am experiencing often directly mirror my relationship with God.  I'll use the most common challenges I've heard from other married people as examples:

• Problem: My wife is lazy. She doesn't exercise or take care of her body enough.
  Spiritual Parallell:  Well, how much time do you spend on your relationship with God? On taking care of your spirit?  Work on fixing that first.  Combine that with praying for your spouse and see what happens.
• Problem: My wife isn't interested enough in intimacy.  In fact, most of the time she could care less about it.
  Spiritual Parallell:  How intimate/available are you to God?  Do you pursue Him?  Do you let Him into your heart/spirit/mind?  Think about what this looks like spiritually and try to correct it.  Then combine that with prayer for your spouse and see if it helps your marriage.
  
• Problem:  My husband doesn't give me the attention or affection I want, I NEED.
  Spiritual Parallel:  But how much affection or attention are you giving to God?  Are you "dating" Him by spending time alone with Him?  Are you pursuing, praising, and appreciating Him like you want your husband to do with/to yourself?  Start there and also pray for your husband, then see what God does in your marriage.

To summarize this idea, when I focus on improving my relationship with God (based on the issues I have with my spouse), I'm amazed at how God helps to solve the problems in my marriage for me.  So first fix this (point to yourself) and this (point between yourself and to the sky), before you try to fix each other (which will never work anyway).

Periodically ask your spouse, or at least yourself this question – are you everything your spouse desires?  On another level, are you everything your spouse fantasizes about?  This might not be terribly relevant at first, but the longer you're married the more you'll have to fight against complacency (especially with the addition of kids and life's stresses), and the more important these questions become.

And finally, be resolved that divorce is not an option.  Our culture tells us that it is, but I disagree.  Unless there is abuse involved, don't dare even mention "the d word", ever.  If the thought even crosses your mind, rebuke it and instead focus your thoughts on creative ways to reconcile and rebuild.  If necessary, seek counseling from someone you can both agree on (it may take many tries to find the "right" counselor).  You can also try asking for mediation, prayer, or whatever else you have to do to make it work.

When it's Better to Adopt an Inaccurate Theology

I recently started a Bible study/prayer group at my job (like at my previous job too).

Last week, we talked about several different things, but one of the guys (a Catholic) stated that he thinks prayer is absolutely necessary to get things done.  To put it another way, he believes that the things you are praying about would not otherwise happen without your prayer.

While I am a firm believer in the power of prayer and the importance of it in many regards, I think it's a bit ridiculous to think that God cannot accomplish anything without our prayer.  Some obvious examples of this being incorrect are the stories in the Bible.  In the overwhelming majority of these stories, no prayer is mentioned at all.  It's just God taking action based on His own will.  My wife mentioned a great point too, that good things also still happen to atheists too (who obviously don't pray) - they get jobs, they find love, they stay healthy, etc.

However, upon further consideration of his approach, I thought that if we are to err in our perspective on prayer, it is FAR and BEYOND better to err on the side of over-praying.  In fact, if all Christians adopted that same attitude - that without prayer nothing will happen - then how much more praying would they/we be doing?  If anything, I think it's quite accurate to say that although the Bible says to "pray continually", very few people take the time to pray even on a daily basis.

So while I may disagree theologically with my co-worker, I am going to try to adopt and promote his philosophy anyway.  Shouldn't we all?

The "Ideal" Amount of Exercise

My co-worker Joe was recently talking about his high blood pressure.  I asked him whether he exercises, to which he jokingly replied "yeah, to and from my car".

He then mentioned that he read somewhere that walking 20 minutes a day is significantly beneficial for health, and that he has a friend who started doing this daily, and lost a significant amount of weight as a result.

I thought that it's interesting if doctors are recommending just 20 minutes a day of walking now.  Not too long ago I remember reading that 60 minutes a day of aerobic activity is ideal, then more recently reading a recommendation of 30 minutes a day.  For a while, I was utilizing the 15-minute workouts that Men's Health frequently posts on their website.  They also often promote a book called "Big Book of 15-Minute Workouts".  I'm guessing that doctors and trainers are realizing that the loftier the goal is, the less likely that people are going to be to meet it, especially lazy and obese Americans.

So what is the ideal and/or sufficient amount of exercise that we should strive to get then?  Is it 60, 30, or 15 minutes or aerobic?  What about strength/weights?  Or should you just walk for 20?  Obviously, more activity is better.  And a combination of strength & aerobic training is also ideal.  However, if you are having a hard time finding an exercise routine or it keeps stalling out, then instead of getting overwhelmed with high expectations and lofty goals, just start with the simple idea that the ideal amount of exercise to get is this: 

more than you are getting right now.  

That's it.  Just start with whatever you can possibly fit in to your schedule and make it happen.  Then do a little more.  Then perhaps a bit more.  But to start, just focus on doing more than you're currently doing.

The Game of Hands (a Dream)

I had a weird dream last night (1/8/2013)

I was in a car with a friend (he was driving I think).  We pulled up to a fairly large cinder block building that we were planning on going into for some reason.  From inside the car we could see a few guys hanging out in front of the building, by the door.  My friend pointed out one of them and said "See that guy right there.  He's a royal dick."

I went inside (I don't think my friend did though).  I was hanging out there and the dick guy was giving me the eye.  No, not the "I'm gay" eye, but the one that is testing your will, seeing if you're a threat or not, and seeing if he can intimidate you to make you turn away.

Then someone suggested we play cards, so then we all sat down to play.  The dick guy was sitting across from me and was the dealer.  He said "I know a good game.  The game of hands."  In a second or two I realized that he was talking about fighting, especially since he was just holding the cards randomly (not like he was going to actually play with them).  I also knew that he was talking about fighting with me, since he was still giving me "the eye".

In a flash I began pondering options, including (a) punch him first and make it count, (b) play it cool and see what happens, (c) avoid a conflict at all costs, or ...?

I woke up undecided.