An Oddly Dreaded Question

Amanda and I have started participating in a small group from our church. It meets on Sunday evenings, but today's meeting consisted of dinner and fellowship (hanging out), instead of the normal Bible study/worship/prayer time.

After dinner, the men were out on the back porch, when one of them asked what has become a dreaded question for me - "What do you like to do in your spare time?"

The only answers I could come up with was exercising (3-5 times per week), Christian pursuits (reading the Bible, going to church, etc), and practicing drums once in a while. That seems pretty lame though, so after that I had to pause and continue the answer with what I would like to do in my spare time, but don't have enough resources (time and/or money) to pursue. This includes:

• Practicing martial arts (not enough $$)
• Fixing up/improving my car (again, $$)
• Playing video games ($$)
• Inventions and/or Electronics projects (time and dedication)
• Practicing piano (time, and $$ for a piano/keyboard)

In hindsight, I currently also like to spend time reading, writing (journal, blog, website) and spending time with my kids.

But all of the additional above activities require time, and (more importantly) money, and we still haven't fully recovered financially from me being unemployed and us relocating to Ohio. Also, the rent we're paying at this house is higher than a normal mortgage would be, but we're still in mortgage purgatory since short selling our house in California, and will be for at least another year and a half. 

Life is good, and I don't intend to sound like a whiner.  But I would definitely like to be able to spend more resources on myself and pursuing my numerous personal interests, and I don't intend to give up the idea of being able to one day either.  But for now, I guess that's the sacrifice of having a full time job and a family.

Some Nights, Some Days

I know I lead a blessed life and most of my problems are "first world problems", but there are some moments when I get really annoyed that I can't escape my responsibilities.

NIGHTS:
Last night, for example.  It was Friday night, and a much needed payday too.  What I really wanted to do was celebrate - go out with Amanda to grab a beer at a sports bar with some friends.  Hang out, socialize - just relax and enjoy life a bit.  But instead we went to Panda Express for dinner to go, and we introduced the kids to "Willow" (they only finished the first half before it was bedtime).  And that was fine and fun.  Then the kids went to bed, and Amanda and I went downstairs to mess around on the computers (Amanda is addicted to 365project, and I like enjoy browsing through the cleaner posts on The Chive), followed by us watching an episode of "The Walking Dead".  Then we went to bed.

I know, I know.  We could have gotten up and done something different.  It's not like we didn't have any choices in the matter of what we could do at home.  But there are some nights when I just don't feel like doing anything here at home, in the same, normal place. Especially when it's just so easy to default to our routine.

I also miss spending time with friends.  I love being with my wife more than anyone else in the world, but sometimes I really want to be with other people too.  Also, I seriously enjoy my family here (Mom and Dad C., Katie and Jimmy, etc), even more than I thought I would before we moved here.  But sometimes I want to be with peers - people of my age group, in similar circumstances (kids, etc), and maybe even of the same faith as us.  Don't get me wrong - I don't want any less time with our family here, I would just like to have some time with friends too.

This is the trade off of moving to Ohio though I guess, at least for now.

DAYS:
Then, this morning when I woke up to hearing the kids walking around upstairs at 6:20am, I thought about how I get up to my alarm every morning at 6:20 - 6:30am, and today I just want to sleep in a bit, damnit!  I got out of bed and let Amanda get ready for the gym (we would both go later if the kids weren't sick), then took care of getting the kids' a snack, pouring their drinks, fixing the girls' hair, and helping Lucas use an inhaler because he keeps coughing.  But oh how I would love to just sit down and ponder what to do with my day.  Or for Amanda and I to share a quiet cup of coffee together and figure out what we can do together, without having to deal with our little people, who happen to be BIG responsibilities.  Then there's the dog too.  Ugh.

Again, I know these are first world problems.  I'm sure that I sound like a whiny little brat to God, who gave me so many wonderful choices and blessings, including a job that I enjoy, a fantastic and beautiful wife, and my children who are truly freakin' awesome and incredible.  But there are just some days when I would like a little bit less responsibility, and to be able to enjoy the freedom associated with it.

Huh, Her Husband Looks Kinda Old

The title of this post is what I was thinking when I recently looked at a girl's Facebook pictures from high school.  Her picture popped up in the "People You May Know" section.  I didn't really know her, so I didn't care to request her as a "friend", but I'm generally curious about where and what everyone from high school is up to these days.  So I briefly browsed through her pictures.  And that is what led me to the subject title.

But that isn't the real reason for this blog post.  Oh no.

You see, after I had that thought, for some reason I had to analyze why I would think that about him.  He looked fairly slim and/or in decent shape (not fat).  He had a full head of hair too.  But there's a little bit of grey, and just a few telltale wrinkles.  Nothing major, but just enough.

And it's the next thought that entered my mind that led me to this post.  That guy in the pictures, her husband, he looks like ME.

I'M that old!

A little bit of grey, a few wrinkles.  DAMN!

--------------------------------------------

As an update, I showed the pictures to Amanda and she thought he looks older than me.  Because his hairstyle is more conservative and he's dressed in a tie.  I don't know though, she might just be biased.

Exercise Viagra Crack

I need exercise like Hugh Heffner needs Viagra.  Especially when life is frustrating, depressing, annoying, and/or difficult, which is pretty much every damned day.  The endorphins that it provides lifts my spirits.  The increased blood flow nourishes my brain.  Even the skin on my face feels awake and alive.  It helps me to think and yes, it also increases my libido (making the metaphor all the better).

I need exercise like a junkie needs a crack pipe.  Without a regular dose of it (2-4 times/week?), I slowly slide toward melancholy at best, depression at worst.  Until I eventually become like a spoiled drama queen with PMS. 

I hate that this is the case though.  And I hate the fact that although I know that this is the case, I still don't make doing it as much of a priority as I should.  And I also hate the fact that I rely too much on Amanda to work out with me.  But if she isn't able to, or if our schedules don't sync up (together, with the kids' nap times, etc), then I partially blame her for my frustration and the encroaching bad mood.  This then only compounds the negative effects though, because now I'm not just in a pissy mood, but I'm emotionally taking it out on her (if even only to a small extent).  This then adds friction to our relationship, which puts both of us in a worse mood.

So what is the solution?  The only one that I can think of is to set a designated time (4:30pm seems to work well while I'm unemployed), make it a priority, and just do it whether Amanda can join me or not.

And I'm not talking about an hour or two of a high intensity, gut busting, sweat pouring workout (although those are especially nice).  I'm just talking about at least 15-30 minutes of getting my heart rate up and my body moving.  Taking this little daily dose will improve my productivity level, my mood, our marriage, and pretty much every aspect of my life.

They Took Our Jobs!

For those of you that don't get it, I'm referring to a South Park Episode.

But I'm not here today to talk about South Park.  Last Friday (9-9-2011) I was given my two weeks layoff notice from Northrop Grumman.  Work has been slow (virtually nonexistent) for a while though, so to be honest, the only surprise for me was that this day didn't come sooner.  It still sucks though, and now I'm one week into looking for new work and trying to enjoy the extra time that I have now at home (pretty successfully I might add).

I have been getting plenty of encouragement from my friends, family, and acquaintances though.  Additional encouragement was even offered by a amazingly timed Dilbert cartoon on Sunday:

Mostly though, I am trusting God in this.  While not negating the necessity of my own efforts (I don't expect to sit back on my butt and expect God to have someone call me up and get a new job for me), I know that God is able to handle problems much bigger than mine.

On the flip side though, I know several other families from church who have gone for a couple or years (or more) without finding work.  These are people who I consider to be God fearing, Christ following Christians too, who I totally respect for their faith.  So why should things be any different for me then?

Really, I don't know the answer to that.  In all honesty though, even if we do end up losing our house through foreclosure, would it really be that big of a deal?  Our payments are way too high and we're completely upside down in the loan-to-value of it anyway.  In fact, I would consider us to be plenty blessed as long as we have each other, our health, food to eat, and some kind of roof over our heads to protect us from the elements.  I am truly thankful too, to live in a country that has many safeguards to protect against a scenario where I would find myself homeless or without food.  These include unemployment, food stamps, and even welfare (if it came down to it).

These are all situations that would inspire and require a great deal of humility, to be sure.  Hopefully it won't come to that though.  I'm just thinking through all aspects of this and going down the worst case paths in my mind.

New Bathroom Decor

It was Monday evening and Emily had been complaining about her stomach hurting. She is a very slow and minimal eater though, especially for dinner. She has a habit of not only filling her belly up on her cup of milk, but making excuses for why she cannot eat the rest of her food. "I'm cold" (it's 78 degrees in the house). "I'm full" (she only had one bite and will complain about being hungry in another hour). "my boo boo hurts" (it's a 3-day old scratch). ""I have to go potty" (then she reads three books over the course of an hour and only pees). "I don't like this food" (what's not to like about spinach and asparagus souffle with limburger cheese and liver?).

So her complaint was mostly ignored, although we let her sit on the couch for a while. When she said she felt better, I let her come back to the table and encouraged her to eat more. As per our usual routine, I tried to persuade her by offering dessert after a certain goal was met. Well, time ran out and she didn't reach her goal, so I didn't give her dessert. And in hindsight it was certainly for the best.

Amanda had already left to attend a Beth Moore Bible study with other women at church. The kitchen was a mess too, and I had just finished getting Clara down from the table. I had given her a small piece of chocolate cake, which she had eaten hand to mouth (still working on the fork skills). Needless to say, there were cake crumbs all over the kitchen and probably in three adjacent rooms besides. By now it was getting late and the kids still needed to get a bath before going to bed.

I was just finishing cleaning Clara's mess when Emily ran past me and into the bathroom. "I throwed up!" echoed from around the corner of the doorway. "Well, at least she made it to the bathroom" I thought "which means it should mostly be in the toilet, right?" Well, maybe not in the toilet.

How about on, and around, and in the books, and on the carpets, and cabinets, as you can see in the above picture (yes, I took a picture). Emily was sweet in trying to help, but to do so she grabbed a clean towel from the wall-mounted rack and threw it over the puke, hence adding another casualty to the carnage.

After cleaning up the mess and starting a load of laundry, I bathed the kids and got them to bed. It was an hour later than usual, but the end of the evening was never more welcomed.

Selfish Attitude for Menial Servitude

I am really dreading the next two weeks in preparation for and execution of VBS (Vacation Bible School) at our church. I know I should have a better attitude about it, but my selfishness is annoyed (even ticked off?) about putting everything else on hold and having my wife and I bust our butt in all of our spare time.

And compared to other couples/families at our church, our sacrifice/participation is probably trivial.

Yeah, as I'm typing this I know that I should probably be praying more about it too.

My Mind Isn't the Only Thing Either

Well, tomorrow we will take our annual family picture. To prepare for the event, I gave myself a much needed haircut. It came out OK, about as good as usual, which is pretty darned good for the price (free). However, in the process of doing so, I noticed something unusual in my profile - I AM LOSING MY CHIN and JAWLINE!

I knew that I am in the worst shape of my life, due to a combination of lack of exercise (no basketball even, due to rain), and an abundance of holiday treats. But now I am seeing the proof of it in places that I never have before. Drastic action must be taken!

I really should kick my own ass through a fast of some sort - perhaps 1 day of water only, or 3 days of juice only? But it's so damn hard to get motivated for the self-torture. I'm getting soft both physically and mentally - I know it and I hate it, but here I am. For the moment anyway.

I did just purchase the P-90X DVD set (through Craigslist for $50), but now I need to buy some additional equipment to use with it. But more difficult than acquiring the hardware is figuring out how to fit a regular (as close to daily as possible) exercise time into our schedule. Ugh.

Make Waste, Not Haste

Well, in addition to playing a crappy game of basketball today (what the $@*& happened to my confidence?), and having a frustrating day at work, I found out that we wasted $365 yesterday. That was the cost of an appraiser, in the interest of pursuing refinancing our house.

I knew our home has lost value (as everyone's has), but our circumstances (good credit rating, current mortgage is with a Freddie Mac affiliated bank) qualified us for a %125 loan-to-value refinance.

Since interest rates are low it would have not only saved us money on our monthly payments, but also in overall interest paid, and we would pay off our loan at around the same amount time as our current one, by paying just half of the $200 monthly savings back into the loan.

Zillow and another similar web site estimated us at only %107 loan-to-value, and the mortgage broker thought we could even skip the appraisal. He ended up being wrong though, and unfortunately the appraiser estimated the L-to-V at approximately 133% - screwed!

Happy Freakin' Birthday

I celebrated my 38th birthday last week (whoop-de-do). I was out of town for work reasons, so not only did I not get a cake, candles, presents, or party on my birthday, but the only people who cared enough to give me any gift at all were my in-laws. A sincere thank you goes out to mom and dad Crocker.

Yeah, I guess I'll admit that I might be a little bitter maybe. But I honestly think after turning 25 (or maybe 30), the importance of celebrating your birthday every year transitions to being every 5 years instead. Years 1 through 30 were a big deal, but after that only 35 really is, then 40, etc.

What's funny though (or maybe not) is that my grandma sent my wife some money for her birthday last month, but all I got is a blank card - I mean, come on!

I did get a lot of well-wishes from Facebook friends though - so thanks to you all.

Newborn Nuisance

This transition from 2 to 3 children has definitely been rough. Before Clara was born, I had just recently reestablished my priorities and had begun making more time for God and exercise. I was even going to bed at a more reasonable hour. Over the last month and a half though (since Clara joined us), it has all gone to pot.

In my head, I knew that this was coming. It was expected, yet it still sucks. We've had to deal with sleepless nights, thrush, acid reflux, bacterial infections, divided attentions, and the utter elimination of free time.

I haven't even had time to blog in a while, and now when I do it's nothing but whining. Things are beginning to improve a little bit though, so hopefully the next post will be better.

As you can see in the picture below, Clara really is a cute little baby- even with her crazy purple slimy alien mouth (due to the thrush medicine). And despite what this blog title may indicate, she really isn't a nuisance.


(Previously mentioned on Facebook): I think I have a great idea for a new weapon for the military is to develop - a super effective psychological one that they could air drop behind enemy lines. Ready for it?... Solar powered speaker boxes with super amplified, constantly looping playbacks of newborn babies crying. I almost guarantee that after about 1-2 hours of their mission it would demoralize the enemy to the point of their surrender.

Big Bummer

BAD -
As you can see from the pictures above - I wrecked my car last Friday.

It has been at least 10 years since my last accident, but I was hoping to make that record a bit longer (yes, I know most people go their whole lives without one).

Here's how it happened - I was driving in the rain and ended up breaking the back tires loose just after shifting from 2nd to 3rd gear. That hasn't phased me in the past and I would normally just straighten it out without any problem. But the road wasn't straight (curved to the right), or even level (slightly uphill), so I guess I was already slightly steered to the right and the weight of the car just pulled it farther and faster than I could counter, or something like that. I wish I could replay it and really see what went wrong, but oh well.

Anyway - I ended up up jumping a curb and over a small ditch, Dukes of Hazzard style, then down an otherwise unseen muddy little access road (cue Dixie car horn).

The bottom line is that while I wasn't hot dogging or driving foolishly, I wasn't cautious enough either. It definitely could have been avoided if I had respected the wet roads a little more...

... or maybe if I had all-wheel-drive. Maybe that's the solution instead - an Audi, an Evo, or a WRX! Then I could drive with reckless abandon worry-free! (yeeee - haw!)

WORSE -
Now here comes the really sucky part of the story. When I called my insurance company to request a tow and to report the accident, they informed me that I don't have either tow coverage or collision coverage on that car - only liability. I was completely dumfounded. There I was, sitting in my car, on the side of the road, with my cell phone in my hand, staring blankly with my mouth open like a psyche patient gone catatonic.

"What are you talking about?" I finally managed to say. "I have the tow card right here in my hand with my policy number on it." "That's for the coverage on your other car" the lady explained.

After talking with them further, the best I can figure is that shortly after purchasing my car I had it on jackstands in the garage for about a year while I replaced the clutch, fuel injectors, and made some upgrades while I was at it. During that time I reported the car to the DMV as not being driven and also reduced my insurance coverage to the bare minimal. And when it was road-worthy again I did remember to restore my registration, but I guess I forgot to increase the insurance coverage.

So I had to pay $300 for the tow. And now I have to determine a) if the car is even repairable or if it's relished to junkyard/parts car status (the frame may be bent), and b) if it is repairable how much more will it cost me to be able to drive it again. And all out of pocket.

The one small sliver of good news is that I calculated that we have saved about $800 in insurance fees over the last 4 years. So when combining that with the $500 deductible, if the repairs cost less than $1300 then I will have actually saved money in the long haul.

Pet Peeves

• Computer keyboards with the little legs in the back propped up. How is it more comfortable or healthy to type with your hands in an upright position? Try this - place your arms in the normal 90 degree typing position - now lift just your hands as high as you can and try maneuvering your fingers as if you are typing. Ok, now place your hands level so that they are in line with your arms and pretend you are typing again. Now why on Earth would anyone prefer to have their keyboard angled up using the little legs in the back?
  

• DVRs. Digital Video Recorders (Tivo is probably the most common) - I know they're wildly popular, and I definitely see the advantages, especially since you can avoid watching the commercials on TV shows. But I wonder how much more TV on average that people watch once they get a DVR. Everyone that I have talked to watches a significantly larger amount. Which would make it one of the greatest and yet one of the most evil inventions since, well, since the TV.
  
  Can anyone/everyone who has a DVR please either confirm or deny this?
  
  
• Speaking of TV - SAY IT AIN'T SO! Mad TV is canceled!? That really stinks, since it's one of only two shows that I really enjoy watching, the other being The Office. (not really a pet peeve, just a disappointment).
  
  
• Churches that make up their own dumb religion, such as this one - The Madonna of Orgasm Church is on it's way to official recognition in Sweden. Here's a quote from the founder “The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped”
  

Meeting Minutes

The great thing about being in a meeting where 90% of what is discussed doesn't pertain to you is that it gives you time to think about random stuff (and doodle too). Today I decided to write some of the random stuff down on paper. And sometimes these random thoughts lead to interesting realizations...

I realized that the majority of Amanda and my fun as a couple consists of reading, watching The Office, and having sex. As much fun as these three things are, that's pretty limited! Amanda and I only go out together maybe once every couple of months at best, and that's only because we trade babysitting duties with another couple so each of us can take a turn on a date night.

I remember before we had kids how we would go out all of the time, to see movies, walk around at an outdoor shopping plaza, walk around downtown, play pool, and whatever else we could think of to do. Now, I would be happy just to go out to see a freakin' movie once in a while. Sure, we have plenty of fun as a family (going to the park, the zoo, playing with toys, reading books to the kids, etc). But very rarely as a couple.

I just had another realization. It's very rare that our whole family all plays together, except on Sundays. More often than not it's one of us parents playing with the two kids, while the other one is cooking, cleaning the kitchen, doing a chore, checking email, etc. I guess that's proof that God knew what He was doing when He instituted the whole Sabbath idea - to make sure we purposefully set aside a whole day to all be together as a family.

I miss being with other friends too! It seems the only time we are with other people is either at church, a Bible study, or at a kids' birthday party. I want to just sit around and hang out with friends, maybe have a beer, and/or play a board game without interruption from little ones needing attention.

Well, that's all the whining I'll do tonight. Don't worry though, there will be more soon.

Rats - Failed Again!

For those that don't know - every two years, when the registration is due for renewal on a car, California requires us to take it in to a smog center to ensure that it passes the CA pollution requirements.

My 300ZX failed it the last time (about two years ago), but it ended up being due to a malfunctioning fuel injector.

I recently took it into a smog center to see if it would pass this time. Unfortunately, it failed again. However, I do have numerous things I can do in an attempt to remedy it, including:

• Change the oil.
• Change the spark plugs.
• Change the PCV valves (extremely difficult to get to on this car).
• Change the oxygen sensors ($150 for the both of them).
• Check the EGR sensor, clean it if necessary.
  
• Run fuel injector cleaner through the engine.
• Run Guaranteed to Pass through the engine.
• Finally, take it to the smog place when they are dead slow, so they can check it immediately after driving it there. This will allow the catalytic converter to be nice and hot. This is a big one, because the hotter the cat gets, the more pollutants that it eliminates.

I have one free retest at the smog center that I failed at the first time. After that I have to take it to a CA certified repair shop for them to try to fix what it needs in order to pass smog.

I'm a fan of clean air and having some guidelines for reducing exhaust gas pollution, but unfortunately it's a big pain in the rump too. At the very least though, it's a good incentive to eliminate unknown problems and get my car running in tip-top shape.

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Since moving to Northern California, I have had two kids, bought two houses, sold a car and a motorcycle, bought two other cars, and had two roommates. We have been visited by my mom and sister, both of whom are struggling financially and with my sister having two young children. We have also been visited by all of my wife's family, and her best friend too.

But in the almost four years that I have lived here, my younger brother Steven has never once taken the trip to visit us.

He's 25 years old, single, and has a steady job. He has been to Boston multiple times, to Italy, and even to nearby Las Vegas. And that's just what I can recall off the top of my head.

I've heard plenty of excuses, and not all of them are bad, but four years' worth?

Am I calling him out? You bet I am!

Matt Has Left the Building

Our roommate Matt has moved out and moved on. Three other guys at his church, that are also his age, invited him to live with them and he accepted. I'm actually really happy for him. I think he'll have a much more rewarding and memorable time at this stage of his life by living with other guys his age, especially if they are Christians too.

Now we have to figure out what is next for our living arrangements and our budget. We may look for another tenant, but that's a difficult process at best and a nightmare at worst. With two young children, it has to be someone that we can trust. Matt was referred to us by our missionary friends, we checked his references, met his parents, and even still we were a little precautionary at first. In addition, while Matt was an awesome roommate, it is nice to have the house completely to ourselves again.

Another option is for Amanda to get a part time job a couple nights a week and/or maybe one day of the weekend. But where at, how much will it really pay (after taxes and gas), and will Amanda go completely bat shiat crazy by trying to fit work into her already busy schedule?

Or we can tithe less, cut our budget further, hope for a big raise and/or reduce our contributions to retirement savings. These are completely undesirable though and may take all of the above to make a big enough difference. Things to think and pray about for sure.

As a side note: I will definitely miss having the sport bikes in the garage, especially since he let me ride them.:-)

"It's A Manufactured Holiday"

If I hear that one more time I'm going to slap the man who said it.

Yes, Valentines Day stresses me out too and yes, I get frustrated because of the high expectations (by my wife or that I place on myself?). It takes work and planning and effort to execute properly, or at least to prevent it from being a big disappointment. And that's all a big pain in the ass. In fact, I am still frustrated because there are additional things that I was hoping to do yesterday that I wasn't able to finish.

But damnit, men need Valentines Day, especially the ones that complain that "It's a manufactured holiday" (spoken in a whiny little girl voice). Because we need to be reminded how important it is to women for us to do romantic things. We need it also to remember how good it feels to us when we do those things. And when/if we actually are successful at making our wives feel special and loved, then it's great to experience the difference that it makes in your relationship.

I've also heard several men say that their wives don't really care and told them not to get anything, etc. But seriously, even if that's remotely true (which I doubt), then would it not make them even happier still to put some effort into being romantic? In other words, just because she doesn't need it doesn't mean she wouldn't like it.

So quit your whining, get off of your ass and get out there and make your wives happy, even if it is just for one measly day of the year!

Venting and Random Rambling

• Our house now has discoloration from either mold or mildew on the ceiling in the playroom, which is caused by a leak in either the shower or toilet of the master bathroom above it. The problem could require extensive plumbing and drywall repair, not to mention isolating and removing the mold.
  
• My car is experiencing excessive vibrations at over 40mph. Originally I thought it to be caused by improper wheel balancing, but have recently realized that pushing in the clutch at those speeds reduces the problem significantly. This leads me to believe that it's drivetrain (transmission, driveshaft, or differential) related.
  
• Although all of our credit cards were paid off in the not too distant past, we've been slowly slipping into debt again with them. The home and car problems mentioned above aren't helping the matter any. Not to mention still needing to pay for a rental car during the 10 days of our trip to Florida for Christmas.
  
• I haven't been able to make progress on my projects (upstairs projector, gym equipment, web site).
• Both Amanda and I are lacking exercise and I am getting discouraged and frustrated about not being able to find a way to fit it into our schedule, and/or being too undisciplined to make it happen in the little time that is available.
• To top it all off, work is frustrating me too.
  
• First, earlier this year our company stopped allowing streaming audio (no more Air1 or talk radio through the internet).
  
• Now, they are eliminating the downstairs cafeteria, where I have enjoyed eating either a meal or a side of veggies 2-3 days a week. Now I'll have to drive somewhere for lunch or settle for the unhealthy fast food that's within walking distance.
  
• I'm also in the early stages of a new project, which requires a bit of learning that is difficult and challenging.