Primary Purposes of Paternity

As a father, I have come to the conclusion that I have three primary, basic, roles: 

1. Provision:  This is the one that has been on my mind foremost as of lately, due to two rounds of layoffs at my company, the bad economy, the news, etc.  Amanda and I both prefer to be a one-income family, so that she can be home to take care of the kids.  While she does help with this a little (and I appreciate and respect it so very much), this responsibility is predominantly mine. 
2. Protection.  In a civilized and law-abiding society, this is probably the least important of the primary roles.  Nonetheless, in the unlikely event that a threat would befall my family, this job is primarily mine to assume. 
3. Presence:  Sure, children all over the world survive just fine without a father, as they do sometimes without a mother.  But both parents provide different and equally important characteristics and learning opportunities to the kids.  And I am very confident that my presence, although less available, is just as valuable to them as Amanda's.

Yes, there are many additional roles and duties of fatherhood.  But none are more important than these three, and most can be categorized under one of them.

Unfortunately, t in my current circumstances, all of these roles are in conflict with one another.  I'll expand more on this in subsequent posts though.

Thankful for the Thanksgiving Weekend

I know, I know.  I really should reply to the numerous comments about the previous gay son posts.  I have much to say in response, but I honestly just don't feel like it.  Maybe that's God making me keep my mouth shut.

Anyway, Thanksgiving weekend was full of socializing and awesomeness, so I figured I'd post about it so I can a) share it with whoever cares (1-2 people I think), and b) remember it better later.

For Thanksgiving day, our good friends and neighbors The Walkers invited us to join their family in the Pollock Pines/Sly Park area.  After only an hour drive or so to get there, we were in about two feet of snow!  So not only was it great to be with good people (8 adults and 10 kids total) during the holiday, but our kids got to see and play in the snow too!  I'll add some pictures soon.

Friday and Saturday day, we unshelved the Christmas tree and decorations and started putting them up.  It was fun family time.  Unfortunately, I also had to work from home for a few hours on Saturday.

Saturday evening we went to our friends' house from church for our connect 3 group. This group consists of 3 families, and meets for dinner 3 times, once at each of their houses.  This time it was at the Kahn family's house, with the Porter family meeting there as well.  It was a really enjoyable evening of good food and fun conversation, and the kids all played together really well too.  We'll really miss that group!

Sunday we skipped church to meet our friends from Bodega Bay, the Carnahan family, at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom.  The day started off rather painfully though.  We arrived there at 11:30, only to realize that the park didn't open until 2pm. Then on top of that I realized I forgot my cell phone at home.  No big deal, right, especially since Amanda has one too.  Except that we had programmed the phone number to our friends' cell phone into mine!  You know, the friends we were supposed to meet there!

So we parked our car there at the entrance to the park and waited for 45 minutes, hoping to see them pull up.  When that didn't happen, we headed to a nearby park to eat the lunch that Amanda packed and waste some time until the park opened.

The good news is that the park was pretty sparsely populated compared to previous visits.  It was a great time, and we finally did meet up with the Carnahans as both of our families were walking around the park.  Then to top it all off we all met at and enjoyed Denny's breakfast for dinner.

To summarize the weekend: we drove 1 hour East, 1 hour West, had dinner with friends on 3 different evenings, and got some stuff done around the house too.

You Son's Gayness is Not the Issue

This blog post has been making quite a stir around Facebook and elsewhere:
http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

In it, a mother proclaims her support for her son wanting to dress like a girl, and the likelihood that he will possibly (probably?) eventually become gay.

After reading it, I proceeded to scroll down through the hundreds of comments, the overwhelming majority of which were in complete support and adoration for this mother. Similarly, there have been many Facebook friends posting a link to the blog, accompanied by supportive statements.

Well, perhaps needless to say, I would very much like to disagree with her, but I am going to attempt to do so in a way that is contrary to the few other Christian commenters who I think are coming across as mean-spirited, hateful, and unfortunately counter-productive (however good-intentioned).  See below.

Parental Responsibility Regarding Homosexuality

In response to this blog:

First of all, you are taking your son to a church preschool, but you're surprised that the adults there don't approve of your son's costume? Maybe you personally don't have any morals regarding sexuality (I was hesitant to make the purchase, not because it was a cross gendered situation, but because 5 year olds have a tendency to change their minds.). But how on Earth could you be surprised that Christianity (and the people that adhere to it's teaching) does?

If you dressed your teen-aged daughter in a bacon bikini and sent her to a fundamentalist Muslim school, would you be surprised and offended if the adults there do not smile and accept her with open arms? Or would you expect there to be some sort of backlash and rebuke (and even fear for her safety) from what you know is contrary to their teachings about modesty and disgust for pork?

So why is it different for Christianity? The Bible is pretty clear on what God thinks of homosexuality (it's a sin), so if you don't agree with it, then don't let your son go to a CHURCH preschool. Or if you DO want him to still go to the school, then please respect the beliefs and morals that accompany the associated religion, no matter which one it is.

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Then as we got closer to the actual day, he stared to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?

Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN?

Maybe you were home schooled (lack of social exposure?), or maybe you were so popular (and isolated?) that you never experienced children making fun of each other. But if so, then let me provide some clarity: Kids make fun of each other. At every chance they get. You can attribute this to whatever you want to (insecurity, establishing natural social division, or perhaps just plain evil), but that's just the way it is, and has always been.

If you don't know this, then you are either seriously ignorant, or in incredible denial. But if you DO know this, then you purposefully misled your son to believe that it didn't exist, despite his very valid fears about it.

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If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.

I had to think about this for a while, because while it IS true, I had a hard time figuring out why. But I think I got it. At this point in his maturity, your son doesn't have any masculine qualities to combat his feminine appearance. So he looks very much like a girl.

However, at this point in a girl's maturation, she still looks very feminine (no facial hair, no bulging muscles, smooth skin, probably long hair, etc), even if dressed up as Batman. If, however, a woman did appear very masculine (have you heard the term "butch"?), then she would in all likelihood be made fun of, just like a boy who looks like a girl. That doesn't make it right, but it certainly isn't unexpected either.

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Just as it was heartbreaking to those parents that have lost their children recently due to bullying. IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.’ Those women were trying to bully me. And my son. MY son.

There is a significant difference between bullying and trying to persuade, convince, or even lovingly rebuke. And there is nothing in the situation as you described it that indicated anything but these ladies gently trying to provide clarity to you about the situation you put your son in.

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If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.

Making your child happy is certainly a part of being a mother. But it's also your job to TEACH your child. About how to survive, about right from wrong, and about the laws, both legally AND socially that govern our society. And it IS your job to dictate what is 'normal', because he has no idea what that is yet. Now, if he chooses to deviate from what you taught him, then that is up to him. But you still have to TEACH him first.

Halloween Appreciation

As a dad, Halloween is quite possibly my favorite holiday.

There's no pressure to spend a lot of money on presents, nor do we need to put together a basket full of goodies. It's community-oriented, as people actually walk around and communicate with each other (albeit minimally). I get a kick out of seeing the costumes, both on my kids and on those coming to the door. And the kids really enjoy it too!

New Couch Decor Too!

Emily threw up again today (Thursday). It happened right before I got home from work. This time it was all over the couch and living room though. Since Clara was still at the dinner table and the barf was quickly soaking into the cushions, I dropped my wallet and keys on the counter and got to work cleaning them up. Another day, another stinky puke mess to clean. Sigh.

New Bathroom Decor

It was Monday evening and Emily had been complaining about her stomach hurting. She is a very slow and minimal eater though, especially for dinner. She has a habit of not only filling her belly up on her cup of milk, but making excuses for why she cannot eat the rest of her food. "I'm cold" (it's 78 degrees in the house). "I'm full" (she only had one bite and will complain about being hungry in another hour). "my boo boo hurts" (it's a 3-day old scratch). ""I have to go potty" (then she reads three books over the course of an hour and only pees). "I don't like this food" (what's not to like about spinach and asparagus souffle with limburger cheese and liver?).

So her complaint was mostly ignored, although we let her sit on the couch for a while. When she said she felt better, I let her come back to the table and encouraged her to eat more. As per our usual routine, I tried to persuade her by offering dessert after a certain goal was met. Well, time ran out and she didn't reach her goal, so I didn't give her dessert. And in hindsight it was certainly for the best.

Amanda had already left to attend a Beth Moore Bible study with other women at church. The kitchen was a mess too, and I had just finished getting Clara down from the table. I had given her a small piece of chocolate cake, which she had eaten hand to mouth (still working on the fork skills). Needless to say, there were cake crumbs all over the kitchen and probably in three adjacent rooms besides. By now it was getting late and the kids still needed to get a bath before going to bed.

I was just finishing cleaning Clara's mess when Emily ran past me and into the bathroom. "I throwed up!" echoed from around the corner of the doorway. "Well, at least she made it to the bathroom" I thought "which means it should mostly be in the toilet, right?" Well, maybe not in the toilet.

How about on, and around, and in the books, and on the carpets, and cabinets, as you can see in the above picture (yes, I took a picture). Emily was sweet in trying to help, but to do so she grabbed a clean towel from the wall-mounted rack and threw it over the puke, hence adding another casualty to the carnage.

After cleaning up the mess and starting a load of laundry, I bathed the kids and got them to bed. It was an hour later than usual, but the end of the evening was never more welcomed.